Those next few days were all new territory for me. After reading my last post you would think everything was honky dory and I lived happily ever after. I was thankful for the new start but now I had to figure everything out all over again. I had to be vocal about my feelings with those around me. I had to focus on me and me only. I wasn’t allowed to worry or stress or try and help everyone else. I wasn’t allowed to think past the current. I wasn’t allowed to plan things. I wasn’t allowed to clean or organize because I was stressed or worried (that was probably the hardest because I would clean daily). I found myself sitting on my ass watching tv. My mom would call me regularly to see how I was doing. Kevin would call or text to check in on me. I would get text messages here and there with people just dropping by to say they loved me. But I still had no clue what to do. How the heck to you recover or heal from wanting to kill yourself? I’ve lived with the depression and anxiety and OCD for years and here I am having to start over at 36. Not knowing what to do is what started to get to me. I am the type of person that has a plan for almost everything, organizes her closet by color, has to have the towels folded a particular way and cannot stand when things are uneven. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…..I’m a crazy fucking control freak. But dude, my house is on point and I get shit done !! 🙂 But anyways, back to my story. I began to feel like I was worthless again. I had all these people checking in on me and all I could think was that “I’ve let all these people down” instead of “wow, look at all these people that love and care about me”. I was focusing on the negatives instead of the positives. I pretty much expected myself to just rebound quickly and things would move right along to a smooth recovery (you’re having the control freak thought again). I felt bad that I kept everything in from my parents, my brother, my husband, my best friends and so on. I felt bad that I got so angry at Codi and Kevin, even though they are the ones that pretty much saved my life. I felt like I let my kids down. I was feeling all of these negative emotions when and I didn’t know how to stop them.
I was told I needed to get out and go for a jog or a hike or just go outside and work on the yards (all stuff I like). After about a week I took my first hike up the closest mountain which overlooks the entire town and holy shit balls was it amazing.It felt good to get out and see the natural beauty of where I live and to release all of the pent up energy. And then shit took a turn for the worse. I was walking around and I found a swiss army knife on the ground. I started checking it out to see if it was in good condition and in working order and that’s when I found the knife. I sat on the rock and just stared at it and then my wrist. I started to think that I could just end it right now, end all of my negative thoughts, end all the pain and finally be free of it all. After everything I had just been through, I actually sat there and contemplated cutting my wrists. And then I was like, “what the fuck Liz” and I remember standing up and throwing the knife as far a I could. It scared me that I even considered it and thought about it. I stayed up on the mountain a little longer and then went home where Rick was waiting. I told him what happened, well the less worrisome version, because I didn’t want him to worry and send me back to the hospital. After that I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself to heal quickly when I needed to just slow down and take it day by day. This was not going to be a sprint but instead a marathon.
From then on I made sure I got out of the house a little each day. I would work on the yards, go for walks, watch Christmas movies, went back to coaching soccer, and cleaning because it needed to be done and not because I was stressing or anxious. I needed to do the things that made me happy at a pace I could handle. I was still thrown some curve balls; 1) When I went back to soccer I found it hard to focus because there were people everywhere yelling and laughing and just loud noises and it freaked me out. But I pushed through it because I loved soccer and I wanted to be there for my daughter 2) I didn’t want to go into town to do any type of shopping. I didn’t want to run in to people and see the pity in their eyes. I thought that people were staring at me and feeling sorry for me so I went shopping with my friend Christyl out of the area. 3) I wasn’t able to take my daughter trick-or-treating because of all the people and yelling and kids laughing and the loud noise. Thank god I had amazing people in my healing circle and Kevin and Codi took her with them.
Things also got better. I finally got the courage to send Codi a text message. I missed her so much and she saved me and I couldn’t bare to see her because of the anger I had toward her that night. And not long after the text we went over to their house and I was able to finally see her and give her the biggest hug ever. And then Christyl and I went to Glen Ivy and spent the day getting a massage, facial, mud bath and all types of relaxing stuff. It was nice to get out of the house and spend time with someone that I knew wasn’t judging me or had pity for me. We both had a wonderful time. And then I started riding my quad again, that was very cathartic. Rick, Kevin and I went out for a ride one day and boy did I feel. All this time I would go through the motions but I still couldn’t feel happiness or joy or humor…just the sadness still lingering. But when I was alone on my quad it felt good. Then we started going on night rides in the side-by-sides with Kevin and Codi and family and that felt good. And then we did a day ride with Chad and Christyl and Chris and kids and that also felt good.
I began to realize that all the advice I told my patients about taking things in stride and taking one day at a time was the same advice I myself needed to take. I would eventually start to feel the emotions again, I just had to be patient. I would have my bad days, I just needed to remind myself that those will pass. I just needed to take one day at a time.