All my previous posts have dated back to the end of 2017 from when everything began. But today I come to you live at 10:22 am on January 11, 2019 from my office. I am back at work and have been since December 10th. I have had many good days with a few bad days and a just a few so-so days. But today is just a shitty day all together. I wanted to jump forward to today because I have been reading several different blogs and I have found something that I have been struggling with that I have kept to myself that many others struggle daily with. I keep it in because I don’t want to scare those around me.

I’m still carrying the feeling in my heart that I am better off gone and that my friends and family would be better off without me. I came to work with a smile, an on point outfit and fresh hair but internally I feel like shit. You would look at me and think everything is okay because that is what I want people to think. I don’t want to be that depressing person, I don’t want to be Eeyore. I still find myself questioning what would be better for everyone and what would be better for me….here or gone? Now as you read this I don’t want anyone to panic, I have no intent to harm myself, I am not having any suicidal thoughts nor ideations. I am simply struggling with the idea that I am doing more good than bad to those around me. As I sit here and write this I am trying to keep the tears at bay because I don’t want to mess my make-up because again, I am at work. I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my job, I love where I live….but I would love not to feel the pain and I would love not to have these feelings.

I keep reminding myself that these days will come and go and that I need to remember the days where I am so happy that I feel like a kid in a candy store. I need to remember that my little mini me will only be raised by my husband and I. I need to remember that I will be the only woman my husband loves for the rest of his life. And I need to remember that this is a minor setback and that there are bigger and better things waiting for me out there. And I know all of this, I just want to get these feelings off my chest because I have seen and read so many other stories of people struggling with the same thing that I am. I wear a necklace with a key that says “Let Go” around my neck everyday as a reminder to just let go of the things that I cannot control and just take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.