I’ve been the type of person that does not necessarily like change. I like changing the layout of furniture in my house, the decor, cars and my personal style. But changing jobs and leaving something I truly love is very hard for me. Shoot, it’s probably hard for most people regardless of their mental well-being. But for me it brings up me questioning my abilities to perform at the new job, anxiety through the roof, sadness to leave the people I have become close with and nervousness regarding my ability to be successful and to be the best. I am very hard on myself and I always require to be the best at whatever it is I do.

I love soccer. I love playing it, I love watching it and I love coaching it. I have been involved in soccer since I was 6 years old. I started out playing on the field until one day my coach put me in goal because I was tall and was a natural at defending my goal. I don’t want to sound cocky because there are few things I know I kick ass at but being a goalkeeper…..I am a fucking beast! I was lucky to play with amazing girls over the years, have amazing coaches, travel all over the place, play at many different levels and walk away with many gold medals around my neck. To this day, my happy place in standing on a soccer field. The smell of grass brings back so many happy memories. I have been coaching soccer for quite a few years now. I’ve coached rec, spring, club and high school. Currently, I have been coaching rec soccer for my daughter’s team. My fellow coach and I are amazing together. She manages the offense and I manage the defense. Our knowledge and experience of the game make us a great coaching partnership. Se gets me and I get her. We won the season, undefeated. We went on to Commissioner’s Cup and did well. We then went on to coach the All-Stars team and took 2nd at the President’s Cup and now we head to Tournament of Champions next weekend. And with TOC comes my retirement from coaching soccer. My daughter has decided to leave soccer and focus on swim. The way I loved and breathed soccer is how she feels about swim. She has shown that she is a natural at swim like I was a natural at soccer. Now, I can stay coaching soccer as my daughter moves on to club swim but I personally feel that I need this break but I also want to give my daughter the attention my parents gave me when I was playing soccer. While I’m ready for a break, I will miss the game. I will miss the smell of and the feel of grass underneath my feet. I will miss those nail biting games that cause me to hold my breathe. But more importantly I will miss watching my players create something special.

Since I started working in the mental field back in May of 2011 I have loved what I’ve done. Now there were plenty of days were I would question my career choice, question my sanity and some days just want to quit. Working in the mental health field can be draining. You are working with people day in and day out that are struggling to live, struggling to function and struggling to just be. Since 2011 I have changed positions five times and changed companies 3 times and now I am getting ready to change positions yet again to yet another company that I have previously worked for. And as I sit here writing to you, I am questioning everything. This is a position that I have dreamed about for a long time. I accepted the Program Manager position for an adult therapy program and a teen/young adult therapy program. I am super excited that the Administrator came to me and wanted me for this position. Actually, I am honored. But now, one day after accepting the position I am nervous as all hell. Will be able to live up to my bosses expectations? Will I be able to successfully manage these two programs? Will my employees like me as their leader? Will I break under the stress? Will I relapse in regards to my mental health? All legit questions but of course I am starting to stress a little bit. The money and benefits are really good. I loved the people I worked with when I was there. This is something I’ve wanted for a long time. But now I have the extra added stress of having to tell my current boss that I am leaving. When I came back from leave they had made many accommodations for me. They have been amazing and caring. My co-workers make the day exciting and fun. I don’t like hurting peoples feelings but more importantly I don’t want people to have ill will toward me. I did not seek out job opportunity, it fell in my lap. I don’t want them to think that I wasn’t happy and that I have been plotting to leave this whole time. I worry about what other’s think of me to the point that I make myself sick.

So that ladies and gentleman, these are the changes that I will be facing in the next few months. I need to remind myself to not stress and to not worry and just Let Go and let things happen. Everything will work out the way it supposed to be and I just need to enjoy the ride. I cannot allow myself to relapse and go back to the person I was just a few months ago. I was given a second chance and now I need to make sure I use this chance to be the best version of me.